Mental Health – Christy Zigweid

Yes, you read that right. I am quitting. I am going to stop this circus of being stuck inside my own head. It’s been holding me back in my writing, parenting, and interactions with others for a long time, often making me feel as though I am not good enough at anything; a dangerous place to be when suffering from depression and anxiety.

I’m prone to the perfectionism trap as a writer and creative and it has swallowed me whole. I’ve been bogged down with feeling like I have to do everything: creating a platform, managing social media, writing a blog, writing the novel I’ve been working on since 2013, and a long list of other things indie authors are in charge of. I cannot get past the mental block inside myself when I write and often feel as though I fall short, unable to tell a good story or help anyone. All of this has become a vicious cycle of wanting to help but feeling as though I’m not, so I second guess everything and dig myself back into the hole I’ve tried so hard to get out of. Day after day the stress of being locked inside my own head, analyzing every move I make, has forced me to pull away from my family and miss out on precious moments. It’s tearing me apart. Outside I refuse to be a supermom, but inside I am doing just that, feeling like I have to do everything on my own.

I’m here to say, I can’t do it on my own. And that’s okay. Because I’ve realized I am the one holding me back. The constant chatter in my head fed by depression and anxiety has clouded everything I do; I often can’t see through the thick fog hanging over me. While I am okay for a while, it’s not long before the chatter starts again, and I fall right back into that dark place, defeated and stuck before I’ve even moved. That’s no way to live.

This winter I’ve been caught in my own internal snowstorm, laden with icy comment daggers. Earlier I said I was quitting. Am I quitting writing? Absolutely not. Life without writing would be like hell. Am I quitting on myself? As much as my depression would like me to, I will not give up. But here’s what it does mean. It means that I am going to do things that make me feel worthwhile. And as I start to heal from all of this negative chatter and move forward, I will write about it and continue to write fiction stories. It’s time for me to step back get my priorities straight. I need to take care of myself or I fear I won’t be here to see what happens on the other side.

If you are struggling and want to give up, please don’t. Take a break. Do something you love. Give yourself permission to take the time to do these things, otherwise you won’t be helping yourself at all. I said in another blog post, “My illness doesn’t define me.” Your illness doesn’t define you either. Stay strong. You can quit the things which make you miserable, but don’t give up on yourself. The world needs you.

“Good Enough.” Do these words plague you frequently? Do you ask yourself, “Am I a good enough mother, wife, daughter, friend, and sibling?”

Day after day many of us unconsciously set expectations not realizing we set ourselves up for defeat and failure. We do not force ourselves to step back and say, “Am I doing good enough?” Our focus lands on doing it right, the first time.

What is a good enough mother anyway? Is it a mother who has everything in her daily life organized, who runs on a schedule, who gets everything done, who volunteers, and who either works at home or works a full time job? Is it a mother who does her best to provide for her family, without stretching herself so thin she has nothing left for herself, her job, or her family?

What is a good enough wife? Is being a good wife a “Leave it to Beaver” type wife? Or is it a wife who works jointly with her husband, keeping lines of communication open, working as a team?

What is being a good enough daughter? One who looks out for her parents and their needs? One who helps take care of her parents? One who spends lots of time with her parents?

What is a good enough friend? Is it being there for the other person no matter what? Or is it offering what you can for them?

In childhood, especially when there’s big emphasis on comparison, we are prone to not believing we are “good enough.”

What is enough? It’s up for interpretation. What one thinks is enough another may not. But truth of the matter is you have to know what “enough” means to you. “Enough” is defined as “occurring in such quantity, quality, or scope as to fully meet demands, needs, or expectations.” For the most part I agree with that. But it’s really easy to convince myself demands of others, if not done just the way they want, says I’m not good enough. People also have different expectations and it’s easy to set those expectations too high or interpret the expectations being high.

It’s no secret we live in a culture that centers on “perfection.” You aren’t good enough if you aren’t perfect. That’s a subliminal message sent to all of us.

Tag: Mental Health

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