I have tried to fight it off but I can feel it coming, slowly brewing deep inside. The darkness is forming and moving closer. It’s taking on a familiar shape — large, billowing, and threatening. I’ve seen them like this before but I convince myself this time is different. This time is worse. This time it won’t work out.
I’ve tried for an hour to find the silver lining but it’s hidden in the darkness.
“Everything will be okay,” Brandon says from behind me and I feel his hands on my shoulders.
I want to believe him but the overbearing storm is upon me. It has finally taken over my mind and negative voices scream inside me. This time it’s going to be bad. I just know it. This time we won’t be okay. This time I won’t hold on. I will quit.
“You know there’s no way we could have predicted this,” Brandon says as he turns my face to him, his eyes searching. “It sucks that everything is breaking and nothing seems to be going right. But just because it’s something different this time doesn’t mean we haven’t seen this storm before.”
I know he’s right. I turn from him and sit on the couch, hands in my lap, fidgeting. “What are we going to do when the money runs out?”
“We’ll figure it out.”
And what if we don’t? I grab Brandon’s hand and squeeze, holding on. If you had just… I shake my head, trying to get the thoughts to go away but they dig their claws in and hold on tight.
Before I know it, tears are falling from my eyes and I’m blubbering like a two-year old throwing a temper tantrum, rage building inside, hot and debilitating. My mind will win this time. It always does. It always unravels me. I cannot think straight.
I grab handfuls of my hair, the pressure at my scalp offering comfort from the madness swirling in my mind. “This cannot keep happening. Something’s got to give.”
Brandon puts his hands on mine, pressing gently, trying to get me to let go but I refuse. I try to take a breath, but my lungs won’t allow air through. I feel the room closing in on me. I’m getting dizzy.
“You’ve got to breathe.” Brandon says.
I look up and see the fear in his eyes. I see myself reflected in his eyes, a monster losing control. He wraps his arms around me and my rigid body stays there a few seconds before collapsing against him. I force myself to take deep breaths. I focus my mind on this one moment as I take in the smell of his aftershave and allow the warmth of his body to calm me. After two long breaths I feel the storm start to slow.
My mind is starting to give up. With Brandon by me it cannot win. When I finally regain logical thinking, it slithers away. I know the storm will come again. And every time it will be more powerful than the last. But I will make it through, even if my mind tries to convince me otherwise. I refuse to quit. I refuse to give in. I refuse to let it win.
Christy Zigweid 